Marti Leimbach
Blog
Books
The Man from Saigon
Daniel Isn't Talking
Dying Young
Sun Dial Street
Love And Houses
Falling Backwards

 
 
Animal Acquisition Disorder
 
I swore it would never happen to me, but it appears I’ve got the same middle aged insanity endured by my mother a generation before me. Any of you out there who have witnessed this type of thing will instantly recognize the symptoms. The sufferer -- usually a woman, and in this case, specifically, me -- tends to acquire unnecessary, usually living things that require care beyond a single woman’s ability. This symptom may also be accompanied by a spontaneous and inexplicable interest in gardening.

Okay, just let that one settle in your mind for a second while I lead you elsewhere momentarily.

I have 3.5 acres that goes to jungle every summer. Last summer, because it rained a lot --actually, continuously --,none of the good farmers of our village were able to get a tractor across the field, which is very hilly.

When I say it is hilly you must understand that there are areas you could probably abseil. Farmers don’t like my field at the best of times, so when it rains, they really don’t like it. Last year, the grass didn’t once get cut, and all the trees and weeds and grasses flourished so that no stem was shorter than the top of my head.

My horses were useless at controlling this. I have one horse and two ponies and they were unable to eat more than a small portion of the excessive greenery lest they succumb to one of the many digestive disorders to which horses are prone (and I do think the Creationists should use horses as an example of counter-evolution), so the whole thing just got worse and worse, such that the dog was capable of getting lost on its own property.

Okay, does this matter? No, because the grass died off and dry weather eventually came and the field got cut, despite all the hills, so really there was no reason – no reason whatsoever – to acquire five sheep to control the pasture.

I’m afraid you read that correctly – I did say five sheep. In fact, it would have read SIX sheep but while trying to load the sheep, one went galloping off into the distance and the breeder was unable to lure her back. I’ve never been so relieved in my life to see an animal run away at speed, as by then I’d decided the whole idea was entirely wrong-headed. I could not cope with sheep in addition to all my other responsibilities. In fact, I could not cope with sheep even if they were my only responsibility. I stood there, handing the breeder a palmful of cash, thinking, “I don’t want sheep.”

But, see, I had the Middle Age Animal Acquisition Disorder (MAAAD). I was under its crazy spell. For weeks I’d been thinking the answer to my pasture problems was a nice, gentle grazing animal that would not become ill from eating grass. Indeed, an animal bred for generations to exist on grass.

I had thought of other ideas – I didn’t just glom onto sheep indiscriminately. I’d thought, for example, of giant rabbits. But I’d need dozens of them, possibly hundreds, and apparently they, too, drop dead if they eat too much grass. Mind you, I’d only have to start with two of them.

I also ruled out alpacas – they are expensive and they don’t graze all that well and also they require shelters and will only drink clean, clean water, plus they look a little like aliens from outerspace. Also, they spit.

Guinea pigs? Would require too many.

So, I settled on sheep. I found a breed of sheep that sheds its own fleece and requires no shearing. A “hair” sheep, an “easy-care” sheep. They are called Dorpers. Dorpers from South Africa, imported in embryonic form by sheep enthusiasts who have since bred them here in the United Kingdom.

I thought I’d go interview a few.

So, I went to see these sheep, who spent their time quietly eating grass in a pristine field that resembled a golf course but with lambs everywhere, talking to the breeder extensively about their care and maintenance. I went home and researched all aspects of sheep care…..well, not all….some aspects of sheep care. Like when they get vaccinated and what they eat other than my pasture, which is really all they need.

What I didn’t quite understand, but which I am rapidly learning at present – is that sheep are largely terrified, strong, willful and completely committed to self-destruction. Plus, they don’t want you near them.

Okay, I didn’t get any of that in the beginning, but now that there are five sheep in my pasture – five sheep which I now learn will grow to 90kg EACH – I get that big time. I get that in spades.

I conclude this blog with a few notes on the various ways I’ve learned that sheep can die:

Getting stuck on their backs and dying of suffocation

Attacked by flies

Eaten by maggots

Being attacked by dogs or any other living creature

Being frightened into a heart attack by imagining the dog is going to attack, even though it is not

Drowning (Are we surprised sheep cannot swim?)

Suffocating in snow (surprisingly common)

Hoof infections that poison the blood

Almost exploding with grass because they have eaten too much and are unable to pass wind

If they get too hot

If they get too cold

It is an interesting fact that sheep farmers spend their days trying to keep sheep from dying only to eventually kill them anyway, though usually in an abbatoir as opposed to from injuries incurred while stuck in a hedge.
 
Monday, June 23, 2008 | 15:41:39
Add Comment
Name
Email (will not be displayed)
URL
Comments
 
Verify
 
 

Please enter the code you see above into the box below (making sure that letters are entered in lower case or upper case just as you see them) before you press the submit button. This helps to distinguish legitimate comments from spam. If you enter an incorrect code you may lose your comment and need to write it again.

 
 
Thank You.
 
Back to the top

 
    web design london : pedalo limited