Marti Leimbach
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Worth the fight?
 
Yesterday, I went to my local church in Mortimer West End, a small, leafy village in which a very lovely looking eighteenth century chapel nestles cosily on a country road. I’d been told good things about the new pastor, a bright, impassioned Irishman by the name of Malcolm Duncan, who enjoys an international reputation and has written persuasively about the need for the church to "demonstrate grace, inclusiveness and love".

 

Like many Christians these days, I have been a casualty of the new American Christian Right. That is, I can no long hold my head up and declare I am a Christian without feeling the need to disassociate myself with the myriad right wing thinkers and politicians who use the church as an opportunity to voice their prejudices and even as a justification to wage war.

 

Knowing as I do that my faith has been used by people like President George Bush to inspire a crude, unthinking, uncaring foreign policy, I often rush to tell people I did not vote for Bush, am not a “submitted wife”, am uninterested in arguing about sexual orientation, etc, etc. Not that I ever stopped believing –– but I am sorely in need of a boost about my faith and was looking forward to hearing from Reverend Duncan, who turned out to be just the kind of funny, straight-talking honest speaker worth getting up early for on a Sunday morning.

 

Duncan was careful to only speak for twenty five minutes. That is what he announced as he took the podium. Twenty five minutes is a very short time for a man of faith to speak, as church-goers around the world will agree. The same could be said for other religions. Once, when I was dating a Jewish man from my university, I went with him to shul. The rabbi spent twenty five minutes talking about how wrong it was to date people from other faiths and that was just his opening comments. He then spoke for another hour.

 

I had my 12 year old daughter beside me (she loved Duncan’s sermon), and my 10 year old son, Nicholas, in the Sunday School. This was the second time I’d been to the church and the woman who ran the Sunday School was aware that Nicholas is autistic. I had brought him into the brightly lit, cheerful room used for the children with the fragile hope he might like it, and might even make some friends. Friends are what he needs the most. Last year he was not invited to a single birthday party. He is rarely invited anywhere, in fact, though I have continued my campaign of joviality and “niceness” towards the other mothers at his school in hope that I might turn this around.

 

For me to have my child in the little Sunday school at Mortimer West End Chapel for the grand total of twenty five minutes so I could listen to Malcom Duncan, leader of the international organization, Faithworks, which in its own words “is a movement of thousands of individuals, churches and organisations motivated by their Christian faith to serve the needs of their local communities and positively influence society as a whole” should not have been a big deal. I did not think I was asking such a great favour from the woman running the Sunday school, but apparently I was wrong.

 

When I collected Nicholas after the service I counted eight children. They were all nicely behaved, well brought up middle class kids who would not get out of first gear in terms of bad behaviour. One of them is an exceptionally intelligent girl with Down Syndrome, a child I have come to respect and admire, and who would turn around most peoples’ ideas about children with Down Syndrome in about 30 seconds flat. She smiled at me. The teacher did not.

 

I asked the teacher if Nicholas had been all right through the session. She told me he had refused to participate at all, did not enter into the discussion, announced several times he was bored, and did not fit in at all. I smiled. I said, “Well, it’s a disability….” She then went on to suggest he stay with me throughout the service in the future or went to another group. “I am very happy to teach him if you like, but I just don’t think I can do anything for him,” she said, “Sorry, but that’s the truth.” She looked a little embarrassed. I am sure she was uncomfortable. It is a hard thing to turn away a child, especially if you model your behaviour on Jesus, who positively encouraged their presence.

 

I don’t know very much about this woman, and I do not want to make assumptions. However, I do know that she considers herself “spirit-filled”. I do know that she has children who she, herself, home-educated and for years met regularly with other women who considered themselves Christians. I doubt she had any knowledge of the impact her words had on me yesterday morning, or that she was telling me what I’d heard so often before from people who aspire to much less than Christian love: your child is inconvenient and I am uncertain what to do with him. Perhaps it would be better for everyone if he just went away.

 

I am the first to admit that Nicholas can be inconvenient. For years we could not go up an escalator, or visit anyplace that might have a Harry Potter poster (he was afraid of them), go to cinemas, restaurants, or anywhere near dogs. I am also aware of how rude he can sound when he casually announces “I am bored” as though it is someone else’s responsibility to alleviate him of this condition. He does not stop being autistic when company is around.

 

However, I am a trained mother. I know my stuff when it comes to awkward children. Had I been in charge of the Sunday School and he’d told me how bored he was, I’d have laughed and said, “Shhhh! Don’t let Jesus hear!”, then looked up in mock-concern that the angels all around us would show disapproval. I would then make a note to myself that I was going to have to work a little harder to engage this child in conversation. If everything failed, I might say, “I know you’re bored. But to me, it is great having you here.” If that was all the child took away, that would be something. Instead, he was being told to go away.

 

Apparently, Nicholas, who is 10 years old, was a little less bored than he let on. Driving home, I asked him about Sunday school and he admitted to saying it was boring to the teacher. “You said that!” my daughter exclaimed, smacking her forehead. “Nicholas, you can’t say things like that!” Nick then went onto say that they’d talked about families and sharing and he’d had to fill in a worksheet. Well, okay, he might have appeared to be completely absent from the picture, but there is no way he would recall what they had done if he wasn’t listening. Would he rather have been at home watching robotwar re-runs? Absolutely. But I’d wanted him to go to a family church, to meet people, to be among the living. Now I am not so sure it was worth it.

 

Nicholas has forgotten about yesterday. Undoubtedly, the Sunday school teacher has also forgotten. But I have not forgotten. I walked out of the classroom directly into Malcolm Duncan, who was very friendly and introduced himself. He then told me about being involved with Faithworks, humbly excluding the information that he ran the thing. I told him how much I’d enjoyed hearing him. He is a nice guy, a great guy. He must have thought I was depressed or perhaps a little barbed. My mood had changed since collecting Nick from Sunday school, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to visit the church again.

 

The situation is nothing new. It is about the thousandth time I have been discouraged from going someplace because of my rather awkward son who says rude things and does not smile. It is not his fault. It is no more his fault than it is the fault of a legless man that he requires a wheelchair.

 

Recently, I met with the headteacher at the Willink School in Berkshire to see whether the Willink would a good secondary school for Nicholas. The government’s policy of a mainstream education for children like Nicholas means that the Willink really has to take him. Besides, it is our local school. However, the head teacher made it clear that this would not be to her liking. During a five minute visit to a science lesson I observed the children copying notes from an overhead projector. The notes were a difficult tangle of words explaining electrical circuitry. My son understands electrical circuits. When he is not offending Sunday school teachers, he is building robots. But he could not have understood the written notes. I pointed out to the headteacher that verbal and written instructions would not be enough for Nicholas. He would need visual aids. She said, “I make no apology for hard work”. I then told her that copying from the front was such an outdated teaching method that it was hard to believe that it she would defend it. I also told her that if I taught that poorly at Oxford, I’d be fired.

 

You see, I can be as contentious and difficult as you like. And, of course, I could fight for Nick’s right to be in that Sunday school. Just as I’ve fought for his right to an appropriate education, his right to have a hot lunch at school that does not contain gluten (a long battle that I have actually lost), just as I have cajoled mothers into inviting him to a birthday parties, teachers into letting him into their classrooms. Oh yes, I am good at fighting. But I love Nicholas. I do not want him to spend one minute, let alone twenty five, in the presence of someone who does not want him there. I do not want to get up on a Sunday morning and argue, nor do I want to stay with him through the class. I wanted to hear from Malcolm Duncan who wrote in 2004, “I long to see the Church demonstrating Christ’s unconditional love and compassion for all.”

 

I would much rather hear from God, directly, but that does not seem to be in the cards, either.

 

Here is something else that Malcolm Duncan wrote. It is worth being aware of:

 

On average,10000 people live within walking distance of a UK church building. Of those 10,000:

 

•1200 people living alone, of whom 580 will be of pensionable age_

 

•1500 people who talk to their neighbours less than once a week_

 

•50 people who have been divorced in the last year

 

_ •375 people who are single parents_

 

•18 teenage girls who are pregnant_

 

150 women who have contemplated or had an abortion recently_

 

•250 people who are unemployed_

 

1700 people living in a low income household_

 

•1100 people living with mental illness_

 

•100 people who were bereaved in the last year_

 

•2700 people with no car_

 

•60 people who live in residential care_

 

•1280 people caring for a sick, elderly or disabled friend of relative_

 

•2800 people who have been victims of crime_

 

•40 people who are homeless or living in temporary accommodation_

 

•15 people who are asylum seekers

 

Remember this question: What is the Good News to them?

 
 
Monday, April 30, 2007 | 10:54:05
Comment by Angel
 
Marti ~ You are one of my heroes. A few quotes that bring you to my mind and countless mothers I have the honor of knowing: "May we never hesitate to let passion push us, conviction comple us, and righteous anger engergize us." "May we weep with those who weep and speak for those who cannot speak for themselves." "May we dismantle abusive systems and silence lies with truth." "May we overflow with goodness in the name of God and by the power of Jesus. And in that name, and by that power, may we change the world." (Lynne Hybels) Always ~ Angel
 
Wednesday, May 09, 2007 | 00:44:16
Comment by Rebecca Hardy
 
Dear Marti, I have two children, one of whom is has been assessed for autism when he was five, but we were told he was not autistic. He is a very active child and when he was younger he did not listen well. He has been excluded from just about everything at one time or another, from a mother and baby group to a nursery school that originally promised that they welcome ALL children. He is actually much better now that he is a nine. However, I have not forgotten what it felt like to have the child who nobody seemed to want in the group. Hang in there! That is what we did. You have to just try to talk to whoever is in charge and persuade them. Rebecca
 
Thursday, May 10, 2007 | 10:47:27
Comment by Gabrielle
 
Dear Marti, I just wrote this huge comment for you, but I got the code wrong and it erased it! Hate when that happens. Anyway, in short, it just said that I am a graduate student working towards my master's in Speech-Language Pathology. I have sort of an ambition or passion I guess you could say, to work with kids with autism. Anyway, I guess what I really wanted to say in response to your blog is that I have known lots of people like that, people who aren't willing to give a little bit extra of themselves in order to help someone else because it might require more effort, or something like that. It's even worse when it's a Christian. I don't pretend to be a bible scholar or accomplished theologian or anything, but I'm pretty sure that Jesus was all about the going the extra mile thing. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I will pray that you find a wonderful and supportive church family who will work with you and your son, who will love him love you. Thank you for your book and other writings - I am always looking for a real life perspectives from parents, instead of just that text book jargon they give us :-) God Bless
 
Friday, May 25, 2007 | 08:12:59
Comment by Judy
 
Marti, Like the person above, I lost my comment when it said I had not entered the code correctly (which I really did). I just wrote to tell you not to give up on church...and shared my son's family's experiences with church--similar to yours--Matthew just turned ten... My daughter-in-law is a fighter like you...I think all parents with children with autism need to be, unless they want to withdraw from society. We have 'talked' before...I have also written a book Knowing Joseph, about kids with autism, and since talking with you have had an easy reader published...It's Time. I have my website up now, so check it out at www.judithmammay.com, and maybe we can link... Judy
 
Sunday, May 27, 2007 | 14:27:38
Comment by Marti
 
Hi Judy

I will definitely check out your website and THANK YOU for letting me know that the code is giving people trouble. I have no idea why it is, but will tell my web guys.

I had to start using the code because I was getting so much spam! (Don't you think those of us who want viagra already know about it?)

Thanks again!

Marti
 
Monday, May 28, 2007 | 18:56:21
Comment by Judy
 
Thanks, Marti. I suppose it IS possible that I copied it wrong-- sometimes the letters are hard to read with all the other stuff over them. And does it make a difference if they are capital or lower case? Is there a way we could be directed to do it again without losing the post? I've seen others that do it that way. Of course the safest way is to copy the post before sending, I guess. I've plugged your book in my blogs today...with a link to your blog. How long are you going to be in the states? Are you coming anywhere near Florida?
 
Monday, May 28, 2007 | 20:36:22
Comment by Matt
 
I realise I'm...two years!...late for any timely feedback but I hope this helps. I've just returned from hearing Malcolm Duncan speak at Spring Harvest, was having a browse on the 'net to see what people thought of him. I'm so sorry you had such a terrible experience with the church; it pains me to think of how distant the things we say and the things we do actually are. The church is such a bizarre collection of unity and discord, it makes you wonder why Jesus loves it so! My mum and sister both work with children with specific learning difficulties and I'm continually amazed at their level of commitment (and achievement - I'm very proud of them for that). I guess what I'm trying to say is that the church is sometimes worse than the rest of the world at getting people with the right skills into the right places, certainly because there's a sort of misguided assumption that if you're a Christian that'll be enough. For my part I hope to love enough to be a help to others of all personalities, and to be gracious enough to know when I'm stumped, and ask for help. I hope the past two years since this blog entry have brought you better experiences of the sheer beauty of community in Christ that can exist if we'd just let it! Take care and heart, you are not alone. Matt
 
Monday, April 20, 2009 | 15:15:13
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